Raving Sensations

Proud of myself today.

2009-10-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

Guess I'm proud of myself today. I managed to finish something that I've put off for months...months now. maybe its a small feat but its one good healthy dose for me as procrastination is one of my lil annoyance of myself.

So, I'm ecstatic in a way. What I did would solved my problems in coming months. One more reason to have a good night sleep.

Okay, this is a short one. I want to finish another thing I've been putting off.

Leave it for tomorrow.

2009-10-04T02:09:00.000-07:00

This had been one lazy weekends. With me wanting to do a few things but didn't do most of it. One thing for sure, I spent most of my time on the net, on the bed & on Farmville. Now at 1 am I'm still not asleep. So I drink hot chocolate coz it helps me to sleep & I read, its good to write before sleeping too.

So I write.

Hopefully, I'll sleep better. Coz I do intend to wake up in 4 hours time so I could start the week on an early day & less anxiousness. Coz that's what I feel now. Trepidation. Nervousness. Apprehension. Every thesaurus word that I can find to describe this uncomfortable feeling of tomorrow. With reasons I full aware of.

Work. Undone. Incomplete. & left just like that.

Its been a while now. Being a lazy ass freelancer before, its strange to face this type of feeling of coming back to office. Coming back to work. Facing people. Complexities. People who different because they are just...different. From me.

As I am different from them. I wonder if they are feeling what I'm feeling right now. The same anxiety of the coming day. I wonder if they feel as if they're going into battles. I wonder if I am the enemy. I wonder if they are thinking that I'm their alliance. Their back up plan maybe. Or the dumping ground they could put their blame on.

So what I'm suppose to think?

What I'm suppose to do to clear this unproductive thoughts?

Pray?

To whom?

God?

Maybe I should, maybe I will. Maybe I just listen for a while to Vitamin String Quartet, finish smoking my smokes. Maybe I'll just watch an episode of Supernatural & silently gushing of how hot Dean & Sam are.

Leave it for tomorrow or in my case four hours from now. Every problems will solve by itself. & tomorrow nite I'll be harvesting on Farmville again.

Yep, writing helps....

Nothing to write.

2009-09-12T06:13:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to write right now. I seriously don't. But I believe that to move on or push myself to do something different & out of my current path is to write about it. You know, kinda like expressing myself to the world. Not sure who will be reading this. But it's nice to know if God does.

If God do exist in the first place anyway.

& pretty funny if God do read blogs; imagining him in front of the computer & doing Google. Smiling maybe, to see all his little creations with their own little creation on the net.

This will be short post, I guess. Just to interrupt my current state. A state of lethargic-ness after watching & ogling over & over again Sam, Dean & Castiel of Supernatural. & reading the fan fictions. & feeling sleepy after my dinner.

So now, what different things I should do tonight?

I was standing

2009-01-31T05:59:00.000-08:00

I was standing,
Just standing,
Standing at the balcony,
Thinking,
About jumping.

But it wouldn’t be a good affair,
Coz down is a long way,

And in the seconds when I reached the seventh floor,
And in the seconds when I realised seven more,

I would probably wonder,
If being dead is the right answer.

Then I would suddenly regret,
But it would be too late.

And in the morning when my body were found,
My blood soaking the ground.

The empty shell that housed a soul,
Lying lifeless, rigid and cold.

And somebody would ponder,
What could have pushed me over,
Was it because of a lover?
Or wasn’t I loved by my mother?
Beaten up before by my father?
How about my brothers and sister?

Yet none above are true,
I just couldn’t find a reason to continue.

How long had this been?
Feeling of helplessness of livin,
The need to end all,
With one little fall.

Yet, will everything actually ends?
How am I supposed to know without a working brain?

Will I feel at peace with everything?
When I don’t have a heart to feel anything?
Will I still retain my conciousness?
Yet wasn’t my goal complete nothingness?

And worst still,
If I still can feel.

Will I be burnt eternally in hell?
Heck, that doesn’t sound quite well.

I was standing,
Just standing,
Standing at the balcony,
Thinking,
About jumping.

But it wouldn’t be a good affair,
Coz down is a long way.

So I decided to live another day.

Related Post
I walk.
I'm depressed and dissappointed.
Empty minds

What crosses my mind.

2009-01-27T05:26:00.000-08:00

Apa yang terlintas di fikiran // What crosses my mind
Apabila kau disisi // When you’re by my side
Sentuhan lembut // Your soft touch
Yang terlarang // Forbidden.

Aku ingin, aku enggan // I yearn, I refused
Melafazkan kata sayang // To say words of love
Aku pasti, soal rahsia // I’m sure, secrets questioned,
Perasaan yang terpendam // Of feelings buried inside

Dimana aku berada // Where I am
Mabuk dalam tawamu // Drunk in your laughter
Yang menyentuh hati // Caressing my heart
Yang inginkan kasih sayang // That pleads for love

Mimpi yang tak sampai // Dreams without destiny
Dekat tak tercapai // Close yet so far
Hati bergolak perlahan // My heart trumps softly
Suara malap dalam kegelapan // Voices gone in darkness

Ombak berderu // Ocean roared
Aku berdiri // And I stand
Melihatmu // Looking at you
Aku ingin bersama mu // I want to be with you

Tapi aku tahu // But I know
Bila tiba salaman mu // When you greet me
Aku menyambut // I accept

Dan berpaling // And will turn away
Menghadap bulan terang // Facing the solemn moon

Dan tersenyum // And I will smile
Mengenang wajah mu // Thinking of your face
Jauh di belakang //Far behind me

Bayu akan menyapa ku pergi // And finally cold wind will call me to leave
Dengan jiwa yang sepi // With a lonely soul
Jantungku berdegup // And a heart still beating

Thump Thump Thump …

Other Poetries
The perfect book
Was you.
I walk.

Why I'm unmarried.

2008-12-09T06:38:00.000-08:00

Some friends asked me when I’m getting married & ending my single life. My answers would varied because I’m not that really sure of the reason(s) itself.

But lately I’m beginning to face my own fears, my own questionable beliefs and my own insecurities. And I found out that the answer to that was something quite simple.

I just couldn’t find somebody I actually need or may I say, somebody who have a matching needs. Somebody who could fulfill my needs as I could in turn fulfill his…or hers.

Argh…Too much of Ellen/Portia and Lindsay/Samantha filling up my head, not forgetting the catchy Katy Perry song ‘I kissed a girl’. I’m not hiding in any closet but I think I still liked men better…or not…Geh!

Okay, back to the original topic.

Somebody I need. Somebody I could see myself sitting around with at the age of eighty. Me, wrinkly and maybe lost a few tooth. Walked a little slower. Smiled a bit wider. Lost my memory a bit faster. And that somebody who accepted old age with grace together.

Wishful thinking, maybe.

But I believe if you can’t see yourself growing old with somebody then you’re probably should not take the plunge with that person. You might end up in a pit alone by yourself.

Yeah, some may say that you can easily climbed out and give it another shot. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. Then again, if you just don’t learn, you might end up being the next Elisabeth Taylor with a divorced husband number eight.

And since when this article talked about ‘You’. All I want to talk about is ‘Me’. Yep, selfish me.

The only person I ever thought of growing old with is my own best friend. And no, it’s not the “I kissed a girl” syndrome. It’s more like the ‘Wassup’ beer ads.

That’s my idea of growing old gracefully.

Related Post
Just want to know he's alive
Fighting flu
Down but upbeat

Common sleeping disorders

2008-10-06T05:42:00.000-07:00

I can’t sleep. At 5 a.m I’m at my computer and writing this blog to be publish tomorrow…which happen to be today.

I finished some of my other article about 2 a.m and pushed myself to sleep. Yet at 3, I was still wide awake. I took my mobile and played a game for 1 hour. At 4 a.m I’m still wide awake. Reading somewhere that when you can’t sleep, just get up & do something until you feel sleepy, I got up & turn on my computer.

I ended watching a short video, read a couple of e-book and finally decided to write about sleeping disorders based on of the e-book I’ve read.

Written by the U.S National Institute of Health titled ‘Your Guide to Healthy Sleep’; it’s a compact simple book with comprehensive detail about sleeping.

What I‘m going to mention here are five common sleeping disorder, which I will simplify.

1.Insomnia : Defined as having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, or as having un refreshing sleep despite having ample opportunity to sleep. People with insomnia will find themselves having such problems as daytime fatigue, mood swings, irritation and unable to focus.

2.Sleep Apnea : Also known as breathing problem during sleep time. People who have sleep apnea will experience their breathing stopped or becomes shallow due to intermittent blocking of the upper airway. It can last around 10 to 20 seconds and the body will awaken itself with snorts or a choking sounds. The breathing will continue as usual. Those who suffer from sleep apnea may snore loudly and frequently. Though not all people who snores have sleep apnea.

3.RLS (Restless Legs Syndrome) : Defined as unpleasantness and sometime painful prickling sensations in the legs that causes a person inability to fall asleep. This discomfort can be subsided by massaging but it might not work on everybody. Sometime this sensation can also be felt in the arms.

4.Narcolepsy : This is one disorder that I have without even knowing that I had it. Luckily it wasn’t chronic. But finally I got something to explain my ‘weird’ sleep pattern. Main symptom is excessive and overwhelming daytime sleepiness, even after adequate night time sleep. Though the sleeps may be fragmented with frequent awakening. Those with narcolepsy often fall asleep at inappropriate times & places. Like in the middle of a class or church sermons. Aha ha… It can lasts in seconds to half an hour.

Other symptoms, though not all who have narcolepsy have these symptoms, are cataplexy or sudden muscle weakness, sleep paralysis which feels like being glued to the bed and vivid or hypnogogic dreams whereby the reams felt real and sometime are confused with reality. I never experience cataplexy but I had several time feeling paralysis and vivid dreams which amused, annoyed or even scares me sometime.

5.Paramsonia or Abnormal Arousals : This is people walks, talks and do other bodily functions which are usually suppressed during sleeps. Alternatively, the paralysis or vivid images experienced during dreaming will persist after the woke up. Confusional arousals, sleep talking, sleep walking, night terrors, sleep paralysis or acting out dreams happen with people with paramsonia. Children who have paramsonia will usually outgrow them. But a chronic paramsonia can be dangerous and specialist help are needed.

Well, that’s the five disorders and I was already sleepy at number three. But I needed to finish what I’ve written, so here I am an hour later.

I’ll post another article on tips on getting a good night sleep. But that’s another time and right now, I need to sleep.

Other Articles

Anthony Robbins-Ten Emotions of Power-Part 2

2008-08-13T07:28:00.000-07:00

This is just my personal journal on Anthony Robbins amazing book ‘Awaken The Giant Within’. All original works, copyright, kudos goes to him. Please buy his book, visit his website or attend his seminars and get to know this amazing person. Peace!

I’ve mentioned about how most people deal with emotions which are;
1. Avoidance
2. Denial
3. Competition
4. Learning & Using
Read my previous blog entry here.

This is a continuation of my understanding of dealing with emotions by ‘learning & using’. With this, Tony Robbins talked about the ‘Six Steps of Emotional Mastery’; on how to deal with painful emotions and breaks limiting patterns.

Step One
Identify what you’re really feeling.

When I felt negative emotions, the first thing I do is to identify those feelings. Is it anger? Rejection? Disappointment? Or just being uncomfortable. One way for me to deal with the emotions is writing in this personal blog. It helps me to identify my emotions. Maybe it showed as if I’m wallowing in the negative emotions but I felt I needed the time to identify the emotions by writing it out. Different people will have different ways. Some people might need to just sit it out with a cup of coffee. What’s yours? Take a time out; identify what are you actually feeling.

Step Two
Acknowledge, appreciate your emotions, knowing they support you.

I used to hate my emotions. I hated being emotional. I hated the fact that I’m a woman; having these emotions seem to make the typical stereotype true…that women are emotional. So I became less emotional. Years of ‘training’ makes my wall thicker and higher. And I’m ‘happy’ with that accomplishment.

Not until I found out that emotions is the way my body, my inner & outer world, trying to communicate with me. My emotions are my guidance, my lighthouse and my personal consultant.

If I’m feeling good, it shows I’m doing something right. If I’m feeling bad or negative, it means I need to do something, to change something so I could feel good again.

All emotions, bad or good are signals that needed to be acknowledged. Tony says it best “Cultivate the feeling of appreciation for all emotions.’

Step Three
Get curious about what the message is offering you.

I identified my emotions. I acknowledged & appreciated my emotions. Now, I must be curious on the message my emotions are trying to convey to me. If I’m feeling some negative emotions, then what should I do about it?

Tony presented four simple questions, to raise the curiosity on my emotions.
What do really want to feel?
What would I have to believe in order to feel the way I’ve been feeling?
What am I willing to do to create a solution and handle this right now?
What can I learn from this?

Here, I need to be honest with myself and reminds myself on the four ways to deal with my emotions. Not to fall under avoidance, denial and competitions but into the learning and using mode.

Step Four
Get confident.
“The quickest, simplest and most powerful way I know to handle any emotion is to remember a time when you felt a similar emotion and realize that you’ve successful handled this emotion before” – Tony Robbins

Being alive means I’ve felt several similar emotions several times. Well, many times actually. Now, how did I handle those emotions? How did I overcome them? Did what I've done are positive actions? Not indulging in other things & fall under denial? Did I face it straight up & do positive things that made my negative emotions into positive? Did I understood my emotions & what it was trying to tell me?

So are you having a negative emotion right now? Have you felt it before? What did you do to get yourself up? Once you know what you’ve done before its easier for you to handle your emotion now.

Step Five
Get certain you can handle this not only today, but in the future as well.

If I know that I had handle my emotions before, then I know, with certainty that I’m capable of handling these emotions when it hits me again. 100% certainty. Not maybe. Not I think so. Its I know so.

And there might be more one way that I’ve handled my emotions. When I’m depressed, I took a deep breath & use the steps. Maybe I looked up my nephew baby photos and get motivated to not giving up. Or text my best friend and with that comes the feeling of gratitude that I’ve got someone special in my life.

How did you handle your emotions before? You know you can use it again.

Step Six
Get excited and take actions.

Now that I identified my emotions, I acknowledged & appreciated them as my guidance, I got curious and really questioned my emotions, I asked myself have I ever faced these emotions, how I deal with them and I know that I can handle these emotions when it comes again.

What should I do now?

The above steps are the thoughts process, the last steps are when I took actions. That’s when I choose to listen to inspirations and motivational audio or write in this blog or write an article for my other blogs or looked at my family photos or exercise or look for plain water to drinks or fruits to munch.

Anything good that I understood that are positive and what my negative emotions are trying to tell me to do or change.

Sometime I forgot about these steps and wallow in my dark clouds. When I get back to the simple six steps I found that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Winding paths will come to a straighter and surer paths. A problem will always have a solution.

My next post for this topic will talk about Action Signals. Action Signal are negative emotions that we felt and what are the message and what the action we could take to deal with them.

Again, if you need to know more, please get Anthony Robbins book as this journal is just a tiny fraction of the wisdom he presented.

Have an amazing day!

Strange dreams again-Living with E.T

2008-08-02T20:37:00.000-07:00

I've a lot of experiences of having lucid dreams that are very detailed and that I could remember well again. I read about this & it usually apply to people who thinks a lot and have a creative mind. Another explanations I heard was a person who are being bogged or bugged by this sort of dreams have things they didn't finish or a procrastinator.

Which all of the above happily; as being creative and sadly; as being a procrastinator, applies to me.

My dreams sometime and in this case too can be made into a movie. It can span a lifetime. And its actually a day to day life story. What makes it more strange it actually a continuation of previous dreams sometime just right afterward and sometime a few months back. Just came back to same location doing other things.

This time my family and I were somehow contacted by aliens and we started to live with them. Except for my younger brother who apparently had to work. Time line is 2010 as my younger brother complained to me that he'll be 30 in the next few months.

As for aliens, they are not aliens per se, they are more like highly upgraded human being. I mean they looked & act like human being but just like human being in the next few hundreds years. Remember Star Trek or any other futuristic anime or TV series.

I did went to their home planet which they lived with other aliens, which doesn't looked like human at all. But they don't scare me. I've felt somehow familiar with them even visited one of the underground pubs that have all the creatures. There I'm involved in a construction work that nearly went awry but it turns out ok.

I remembered a few times me and my older brother would fly off to see my younger brother & my older would be flying around over our housing estate and I scold him a few times. Especially when he turn off the invisibility mode and other people could clearly see our 'flying object'. This scene felt familiar liked I've dreamt it a few time.

My younger brother would usually hang out with his friends and I would talked to him, telling how are our parents keeping in space. I felt a certain longing because he was living alone & I felt he should follow us. That was when he mentioned he will be 30 soon. Its as if he was telling me he is nearing 30 and have not accomplished anything in his life. And he was trying to have a proper stable job.

Another scene my whole family was back and we are boarding the small shuttle to go back to space. There a cute little girl with us & I'm not sure whether she is my daughter or my niece. But we did bring another person which I'm not sure was my younger brother. Our old neighbors were back and we scared them a bit when my brother, the annoying pilot, didn't use the invisibility mode again.

My last scene were trying to assimilate the new person that I've brought. Again I'm not sure he was my brother or one of my brother friends. I brought him to some sort of spa and here where my dream were really detailed. Its because I was explaining it to him. The hot & cold water function. Toothbrush, shaver. There was a pantry & he was looking for rice to eat and I myself didn't know what to do. An attendant came in and mixed a powderlike substance with hot water, shake it and it becomes like porridge or something. And she says something like ' rice with coffee'. (What the heck?) And there was a massage bed that 'he' could not use. I showed him and he was more relaxed and fall asleep. I massage his shoulder as he slept.

I felt for him at this time. Worried but hopeful. That's how I know he was either my brother or one of his friend that I've considered a brother.

My dream end here.

I think my dream are influence by my previous dream, my current state of mind, a little scene from Hellboy at the Troll market and my last night deep experience after watching Donnie Darko. And I'm still having my cold too.

Down but upbeat.

2008-08-01T00:36:00.000-07:00

The days of my depressing blog below had passed. I'm grateful for many reason. I'm not out of the rut or the rat race yet but I'm moving on. So any changes made me pretty upbeat.

My blog was corrupted a few days ago and just manage to find the solution today. I'm down with a flu & feeling rather sleepy right now. But something I've been working on has hit the road & moving. So I'm excited of what's coming. There's a few things that comes to me together with the sense of clarifications.

The roads seem less winding now.

I've updated this blog after my HTML was corrupted. So check out some new things on the right. I put up a playlist playing some of my personal acoustic taste. And I found that this blog is better viewed using Firefox.

And I'm feeling a little bit artsy so thus the changes to my blogs. Header pics by Eri Komura. I intend to change the art & outlook of this blog every month, so get ready of constant play of colours.

Thanks to all who somehow manage to find this blog. I'll be updating more & try to make the content more useful yet still personal.

Still me with lotsa love,
Jacque

I am depressed & disappointed.

2008-07-16T07:20:00.000-07:00

I know today would pass. I know that this week would pass. I know that this month would pass. But somehow sitting here feeling that I have been pummeled by hundreds of bricks made times seem to stop and the light at the end of the tunnel just happen to be somebody's flashlight that runs out of battery. And my path again succumbed in total darkness.

And I sit here for a while, wallowing, refusing to pick up calls & refusing to make calls. A little sad, a little depressed. Okay, maybe not so little.

I've made some promises to people that I'm pretty sure that I could keep. But ended unable to fulfill those promises. And that sucks, man. Really sucks. Especially when those people happen to be my trusted friends & people who gave me some breaks when I needed them.

And what really sucks is that I couldn't pick up the phone and call them I needed more time coz things didn't worked out. But how long am I going to supply people with those bloody excuses.

I hate it. I hate it.

If I didn't have all these promises that I have to fulfill I'll probably pack my bags & disappear.

Then what? Live my life as a coward or worst, die as a coward.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking. How am I going to get out from this mess?

Anwar Ibrahim; history repeated.

2008-07-03T07:54:00.000-07:00

Just when the Malaysian public are being fired up about rising oil prices, Datin Rosmah allegedly involvement in Altantuya murder and somewhere in the world a car was designed to run on water....a young handsome man by the name of Saiful Bahari made a police report that he was sodomized by the former Deputy Prime Minister of Malaysia, Anwar Ibrahim.

When this scandal of all scandal came up, I wanted to put my two cents on it based on what I know of what had happened in 1997. But I paused my fingers on the keyboard as I reflect deeper into my thoughts.

During those time internet was not as handy as it is now. My info back then were based on the mainstream media, contradictory discussion from those who are into politics & the West Malaysian MARA students who were big supporters of Anwar.

So I thought I should go back in time to look into the trial. Found this set of video by Foreign Correspondent that shed a different light into the matter.

I don't like Anwar. I still don't. As far as the stories of his bisexuality goes it had been circulating years before 1997. Whereby it was known that the Tan Sri always request a special service after having his hair cut done.

Then again it was still unproven khabar khabar angin (words in the wind?)

Then again a person private life shouldn't be the thing to judge a leader of a country. Shouldn't it?

Churchill was known to be a crook and Hitler was known to be a clean cut man.

Still I do think, unless somebody can convince me otherwise, that Anwar is a strategist, an opportunist and a selfish politician.

Kinda remind me of an old guy who approved the Petronas Twin Tower.

**************************************

And somewhere in the world a Japanese guy in dark clean suit, sitting on a rather sturdy white wooden chair, waiting patiently for approval on a patent of his car engine that runs on water.

I walk

2008-06-21T22:34:00.000-07:00

I walk, I dance,
Help me, lend me a hand.

Hand. Hands.
Surrounding me, Supporting me,
Caressing.Suffocating.Killing.Pushing & Pulling.

Pulling. Pulling me from the depth of darkness.
Emerging from the Mothers womb.
Into the glaring bright lights.

Lights. Unfamiliar.
I closed my eyes & hide my shame.
As ecstasy plough my very being.
I dare not to smile.

Smile. I would have.
If the sun had shine brighter & the moon less melancholy.
And if there are love.

Love. Yes, I'm crazy in love with you.
Don't blame me for my heart condition.
Don't hate me for my mind condition.

Condition. Conditions.
Terms of Conditions.
I hate it.
When life is about the terms we have and conditions are just stupid excuses.

Excuses. I don't need it.
Get off my floor.
Create your own & walk.

Walk. I walk.

I walk, I dance.
Help me, lend me a hand.

Why women lie?

2008-05-30T06:31:00.000-07:00

Something someone put up in a forum...

One day, as a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for the two of them.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with a bone thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy. Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh, Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and it's always for the benefit of others..........That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Best advice I heard in years.

2008-05-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

This is one of best advice I heard in years done by one of the coolest motivator in Youtube. Momo from the Momozone. Check out his Youtube page & if you are a fellow Youtuber do subscribe to him bcos he is just simply awesome!

The Secret Of The Happy Pill.

Just want to know he's alive.

2008-05-02T03:57:00.000-07:00

I knew somebody; a guy. & he became something in my life. I can't say I loved him because I didn't think I did. Can't say he's my friend either because we never actually were friends.

Yes, we enjoyed some moments together. Those moments like blurred movie in my head. Old photos stored somewhere in the hidden recesses of my memory. Somebody not really significant. Yet somebody or something that is like a piece of small thorn inside your flesh that gives that dull sense of pain once in a while.

There are times when I thought why I could not get rid of him from my head. I got rid of him physically by way of cutting off all communication but still linger that wondering whether he is still alive. Because the last time we met it was raining cats & dogs & I had the slightest thought that he might have hurt himself or died. Not that it would bother me if he did but that thought itself, that single piece of unanswered questions; wandered in my flesh like that piece of annoying thorn.

And maybe there was something deeper that I just refused to looked into. Like forgiving myself for hurting him. Like forgiving him for hurting me. And like forgiving myself for letting him get under my skin & making me cry during those little storms that we had.

You know, I saw him yesterday. At first, I couldn't be sure it was him. He was fatter & somewhat uglier. I'm not being sarcastic here but hey...seriously. I pretended not to see him & he pretended not to see me.

And finally found out he's actually still alive.

How do I feel now?

Like that piece of thorn had been taken out. I barely able to recall how he looked like.

Was You.

2008-03-13T01:40:00.000-07:00

I want to cry I want to wallow in my sorrow
I’m disappointed I really want to kill myself
I’m suicidal

Will you blame me for feeling this way?

Total defeat in my emotions
Where I feel I could not get up
Where I feel I should sit here
Watching the world go by
Watching & watching till I die

Will you forgive me for feeling this way?

I feel I’m fucked up.
In this moment I called life

Please, don’t tell me to get up
For this moment I just want to rest
Buried my eyes in my pillow
Wishing I just die

That train moving like a speeding bullet
Will be going for the cliff
Cliff called death

And I’m inside
And I don’t want get off
This is my train

I don’t want to get off
I don’t want to get off

Let me join the light
Where I disappear into thin air

Will you remember me?
Will you stop being angry at me?
For forgetting my reason to continue living
Was you.

The Ten Emotions Of Power - Part One ; By Anthony Robbins

2008-03-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

From Anthony Robins "Awaken The Giant Within"

What have I learn't & to teach back?

I believe there are four basic ways in which people deal with emotion.
Which of these have you used today?

1. Avoidance

All of us wants to avoid painful emotions. So we try to stay from situations that made us feels those emotions & worse some of us refuse to feel at all. Though using avoidance will protect us short term, it keeps us from truly feelings which in turns doesn't help us to evolve as we should. And in the end, we can't avoid emotions.

A more powerful approach is to find the hidden, positive meaning in those emotions that we once thought as negative.

2. Denial

Denying that we are feeling certain emotions by telling ourselves lies; saying that it doesn't feels that bad but still inside we still questioning our very situations. Trying to pretend that nothing is wrong will only create more pain. By ignoring the message that our emotions tries to convey, it will intensifies until we have no other choice but to take notice.

We must learn to listen to our emotions clearly and use it for our own betterment.

3. Competition

Some people wear emotional badge by declaring their situations are worse than others, their emotions are much more serious than others.Instead of fighting or dealing with their painful emotions, they dwell in it. This is the deadliest trap because dwelling in painful emotions is like digging your own grave & in the end not only a person find its hard to get out, they might not want to get out at all. At that is clearly very destructive.

4. Learning & Using

The above three ways on how we deal with painful emotions must be overwrite by the fourth way which is learning & using. Painful emotions are signals that tells us that we should be doing somthing; a call to action.

If you want to make your life really work,you must make your emotions work for you.

Realize that the emotions you are feeling at this very moment are a gift, a guideline, a support system, a call to action.If you suppress your emotions and try to drive them out of your life, or magnify them & allow them to take over everything, then you're squandering on of life most precious resources.

You are the source of all your emotions;you are the one who creates them & you can feel any way you choose at any moment in time.

A little crush

2008-02-06T02:57:00.000-08:00

The first time I saw him, I thought that he was kinda sweet and the gears in my heart starts to click. Click, click, clock, rrrrr....

The attraction is there but yet....

Then I met him again a few times, and as usual I'll unconsciously / consciously try to find or pinpoint bad things about him. Yes, I found a few traits about him that that I didn't like . But I still thinks he's sweet. I don't know why when he' not sweet at all.

Is my heart too empty that it needs to be filled by just anybody? Or just a simple attraction? Could be just anybody or is it just him?

Love is a far far word in a far far world. Having a little crush is just too damn...normal?

My heart that goes dub dub dub for a while, will slowly dub dub to its original positions.

Ah...romance...romance...

Empty mind

2007-12-22T01:12:00.000-08:00

My mind is empty,
Yet not gone,
Just setting in a peaceful slumber,
Yet not sleeping,

My mind is empty,
Yet not closed,
I'm in a myriads of thoughts,
Yet not thinking,

My mind is empty,
Yet not dying,
Feeling my soul sighing in silence,
Yet not grieving

I am here with my empty minds and my hearts filled with emotions,
Yet not feverish passion but just cruising a lonely vast lake,

Here alone, watching the mountains far away,
Loving the emptiness of my mind.

My mind is empty.

Fighting flu

2007-11-15T06:39:00.001-08:00

I am so not well.

First I had stomach pains due to bad handling of one kitty by the name of Kin Kin.

Then I got sore throats.

Now I got a full fledge flu.

And I don't take medicines. I just super hate medicines or legal drugs; like Tom Cruise aptly described them. But I have to get some cough syrups, pain killers, vitamins & a bottle of plain water.

When I cough I feel I could blew up a mountain. And my sneezing would bulldoze one.

I wonder if Anthony Robbins or any coach out there who can make the flu goes away. Can we tell virus to simply shut up & die?

Flu virus! I now condemn you to death for interfering with my healthy systems. Your interference had caused great distress to my white blood cells that they have to be taken out completely. Causing much grieve to their immediate family. As this crime is of the first degree I now sentence you to death by stronger natural immune system. No plea will be entertained.

Zzzzt! Zzzzt! Zzzzzt!

Uha!

La Manila Original - Midvalley KL

2007-11-15T01:40:00.000-08:00

Ambience : 5 (Coffee shop style)
Food : 8 - Braised chicken with rice
Service : 5
Price : RM4.50 - Coffee

When I go to a place that have a name of a particular city, I would assume that it would be a place with a signature food, meaning La Manila would have have something from Manila,right?

But its not in their menu, so I assume its just a name.

I ordered braised chicken with rice & freshly brewed coffee. The waiter is courteous enough but could do better. Though I feel it have the same standard we could expect from a normal Chinese coffee shop. Its not bad but having a coffee shop in Midvalley should have top up their standard a little bit.

The food comes quick.

After eating a few bad chicken for a few time, tasting fresh chicken meat seems like heaven. Braised chicken would usually tasted like it had lived in the fridge for far too long. But La Manila chicken tasted fresh. The sauce was good though nothing distinct, the soup taste nice too and the rice had some really good aroma to it. So basically food was great.

However, the moment I put my spoon down the waitress whisked my food away. Actually they thought they are doing me a favor but for someone who likes to play with foods...I was taken by surprise.

Then again, they did asked first so I could've have said something but I didn't.

Guess the fault is not all theirs.

Ambience is like a coffee shop. If I'm not in Mid Valley I would have thought I just stumbled upon into those more 'elegant' chinese coffee shop.

And uniform could be done better. Apart from the T-Shirt there are lack of conformity. From jeans to croc sandals to sneakers.

Again it cross my mind of a Chinese coffee shop. Hey, I've nothing against coffee shop but this is suppose to be La Manila in Mid Valley, KL. Won't you agree if the standard should rise a bit?

My suggestions is to increase the service part. Food was great so I still would recommend others to go there.

The politically correct car

2007-11-11T23:20:00.000-08:00

Recently in the news, Proton stated that they are interested in manufacturing an Islamic car. I have no ideas what that suppose to mean. So let me suggest some more cars Proton could produce.

A Muslim car - A car that have special Qiblat compass & an alarm to remind drives of prayer time.

A Hindu car - A car that can detect the aura of the driver & automatically sent out chants when driver under stress or duress...especially on traffic jam.

A Buddhist car - A car equipped with every modern tech that represent Buddha philosophy and have a guidelines on respective deities & maps of nearby temples.

A Christian car - A car that has a function similar to ABS (Breaking system) that slows or stalls the car if the driver committed any laws like illegal U turn or drive through red light. Then alarm will sound in the form of Bible verses to remind drivers who is watching even when others don't.

An atheist car - A car that will remind drivers constantly the theory of relativity,the law of gravity, inertia theory & if there is an accident a probability of a miracle is very slim.

A bad Malaysian MP car - A car that is equipped with double woofer speaker system, the best & loudest silencer, platinum rimmed tyres, latest halogen head & tail lights, police sirens & strobes and wax to the max. But inside...NOTHING.

Malaysia Can Lah!

The Monkey & The Sheikh

2007-11-07T08:34:00.000-08:00

No, I do not think that the hot hot hot Sheikh Muzaffar is a monkey neither does he acted like one. The reason I put this photo side by side is to reflect how far had we gone since the forties in exploration of space.

"One small step for man...one big sacrifice for a monkey." AlbertI died before he reached space but 'he' was the first official primate to be launched into space with the vision to someday launch a more intelligent species. Like Sheikh.

Though I'm not sure intelligent would be right word to label those who would sacrifice another life for a bigger 'cause'. Maybe cunning would be more appropriate.

But what irked me is that those monkeys were never given any recognition for sacrificing their life. Where's the medal of honor? The flag covered coffin with bagpipes on their funeral. Or the compensation for their immediate family for the lost of a great son in the name of space explorations. Didn't anybody arranged insurance for them?

You see, how far we had gone. Nowadays our astronaut are not only bigger and smarter, they also have less hair. And we are capable of making scientific research in space. Commandeering a ship in empty space. And monkeying around in zero gravity. Which the monkey never did when they're in space. A monkey are not suppose to be monkeying around. Who the heck made that rule?

Sheikh had made Malaysia proud. I believe, contrary to all the haters out there who frowned upon our 'free gift' from Russia, that Malaysia had done a remarkable feat. Labeling Sheikh names he didn't deserved.Questioning his abilities, capabilities and whatever he was suppose to have done in space.

I'm not a silent unrequited lover here at the other side of space but neither am I a hardcore hater.

Do I adore Sheikh?

No, but he sure looked dashing enough to be adored by thousand. His clean shaven face and well shined smiles. Heck he IS a dentist. Just the type gay guys would loved to cuddle.

Would I buy his book if he wrote one? Probably not. I don't even buy Donald Trumps book. And this guy had been in 'space' with officially three gorgeous women in his lifetime.

In the near future however, space travel would not be something you have to compete for. If things really goes well Richard Branson would have his first Virgin spacecraft. Space tourist would have the chance to monkey around in zero gravity. Maybe Tony Fernandez would hop on the boat and bring Air Asia flight to space.

And we'll round up Malaysian orang utans, gorilla, chimpanzee and a couple of Big Foot from Endau Rompin. Oh yes...the gorilla would be imported and given Bumiputera status. Let them wear traditional costume and Keris for backup weapon. Sent them to space for the first primate space flight.

Maybe this time they are allowed to be themselves. Just monkeys.

And the Sheikh would just have to wait for another purchase of Sukhoi jet fighters.

Things aside, I hope Faiz would have his chance to go to space & I'm happy at least one guy manage to fulfill his dream.

Questions Anthony Robbins asked.

2007-11-05T10:53:00.000-08:00

In his fantastic book 'Awaken the Giant Within', Anthony Robbins raised 5 questions that is known as the problem solving questions.

I recommend further reading on this book. Buy it and although it had been around for ten years its still one of the most sought after motivational book.

You can borrow it from me but you have to move next door.

The one in Italics are my own reflections on the questions.

"The Problem Solving Questions"

1. What is great about this problem?
Find something positive about that problem.

2. What is not perfect yet?
Why do you think this is a problem in the first place? What inconvenience it had cause you that you labeled it as a problem? How do you thinks your situations could be perfect?

3. What am I willing to do to make it the way I want it?
Just as questions posed. What are you willing to do?

4. What am I willing to no longer do in order to make it the way I want it?
Again a straight forward question. But a little tricky to answer. No more procrastination is one good answer.

5. How can I enjoy the process while I do what is necessary to make it the way I want it?
Link the process of doing what needed to be done with something that will give you pleasures.

6. Why haven't you read my ten years old book?
Okay. I'm kidding

Toast Box - Mid Valley KL

2007-11-05T09:04:00.001-08:00

Arriving at the North Court Entrance of Mid Valley KL, I'm teased with the aroma of old style coffee. So I decided to drop off and get myself some coffee at the source of the aroma; Toast Box.

And made my first mistake...ordered Laksa.

To really enjoyed Toast Box I should've ordered coffee with some bread toast but instead I ordered Laksa; the noodles with curry & rich coconut gravy. I've never liked Laksa & have no idea why I ordered it.

Oh yes...I was hungry. And there are no food apart from the seemingly cold Nasi Lemak & bread toast which I don't consider good enough for lunch.

Well, after I ordered I went off & find myself a nice spot in a myriad of hardwood furnitures that gives a melancholy rustic feelings. Which I like, by the way.

The coffee is good. Thick texture and not so sweet. Aroma preserved. Nicely prepared. But the laksa...well to put it nicely, quite a taste that I'm never going to order it ever again. The coconut gravy was too thick overriding the actual laksa taste. The noodle are almost non existent and the prawn has been dead for quite a while. I think I took around five spoonful or less before I push the whole bowl off.

So, I thought, hey what the heck...I'm being negative. So I ordered the set with Honey Toast, another black coffee and eggs. To my amusement (and a tad bit disappointed) the coffee arrived with milk, thick honey toast and the eggs was forgotten. I got it later. Oh well...

The waiter apologized courteously as he delivered my eggs and my bills. I paid. Then he came back saying that my bill was cheaper and he apologized again. I'm not sure whether I should be happy with his honesty or feel bad that he doesn't seem to know his job well.

And he didn't come back with my receipt.

The second coffee is as good as the first. Nicely done. But the other food needs some improvement.

Toast should be served hot not cold, eggs should be piping hot not lukewarm and scrap the laksa.

All and all its a good place to sit, drink coffee and read a book. But I would not recommend my friends to order anything else.

Let me crawl in Technorati

2007-11-04T10:10:00.000-08:00

Technorati Profile

Let me crawl in Technorati,
Among the wandering souls that is,
Screaming, murmuring, enclosed personality,
Let me yell that I exist.

Rampage of Allowing

2007-11-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

I am allowing luck into my side.
I am allowing money into my pocket.
I am allowing awesome greatness into my life.
I am allowing all the best thing that my life & my God,my Universe can offer.
I am allowing goodness.
I am allowing myself to be free of financial constraint.
I am allowing myself to be filled with creativity.
I am allowing all the positive amazing vibrations around me to come into my life.
I am allowing all myself to receive that money.
I am allowing myself to have my apartment of my own.
I am allowing all the blessings & grace this universe can give me flowing freely into my life.

The Perfect Book - A poem

2007-11-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

"I have an idea my friend,
To write a perfect book,
That will list all the reasons & excuses,
And the choices that we took.

And I will convince you my friend,
That my words are very true,
We can't change the way we are,
We can't change the things we do.

You will never be rich you see,
You're just not born to be,
Your mama is plain, your daddy is poor,
And that's how you're gonna be.

You're not significant, I can tell,
You are fat & just too ugly,
Or you're pretty but you're dumb,
Or you're smart but too geeky.

You'll suffer of your addictions,
And you know thats just okay,
Sex, smoking, booze, drugs and all,
Everybody die someday.

Don't look at me that way, my friend,
You know I care for you,
So if you commit suicide today,
Tomorrow, I'll cry boo hoo hoo.

You don't have a choice,you know,
Don't fight for your personal rights,
Gives yourself reasons and excuses,
Hide your dreams, out of sight.

Your family
Is in the way
Your friend
Is in the way
Your intellect
Is in the way
Your bank account
Is in the way
Your weakness
Is in the way

And so the list goes on...

I guess you got valid reasons,my friend,
So just suffer for one more day,
Never mind about tomorrow,
Its going to be terrible, by the way.

So gives me your reasons & excuses,
So I can write the perfect bestseller,
Every man and woman will buy it,
The most sold out book ever.

And as I solemnly watched with tears,
As your dreams withered and dies,
I collect all my royalties,
And go sunbathing in Hawaii."

Inspired in a moment of reflection while reading a book in McDonald.

Of monkeys & bananas

2007-11-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

I wonder why monkeys are associated with bananas. In the wild, bananas are among the hardest fruit to find. Monkeys eats wild fruits or bugs or sometime themselves.

But why bananas? Why the heck we associate monkeys with bananas?!

Who started that horrendous gossip?

Sure they like bananas. They probably like pizza too.
Or Coke. Or smoking marijuana if given the chance.

But why bananas? Why can't just good old apple or cucumber? Or durians?
So instead of going bananas, we all can go durians.