Proud of myself today.

Guess I'm proud of myself today. I managed to finish something that I've put off for months...months now. maybe its a small feat but its one good healthy dose for me as procrastination is one of my lil annoyance of myself.

So, I'm ecstatic in a way. What I did would solved my problems in coming months. One more reason to have a good night sleep.

Okay, this is a short one. I want to finish another thing I've been putting off.

Leave it for tomorrow.

This had been one lazy weekends. With me wanting to do a few things but didn't do most of it. One thing for sure, I spent most of my time on the net, on the bed & on Farmville. Now at 1 am I'm still not asleep. So I drink hot chocolate coz it helps me to sleep & I read, its good to write before sleeping too.

So I write.

Hopefully, I'll sleep better. Coz I do intend to wake up in 4 hours time so I could start the week on an early day & less anxiousness. Coz that's what I feel now. Trepidation. Nervousness. Apprehension. Every thesaurus word that I can find to describe this uncomfortable feeling of tomorrow. With reasons I full aware of.

Work. Undone. Incomplete. & left just like that.

Its been a while now. Being a lazy ass freelancer before, its strange to face this type of feeling of coming back to office. Coming back to work. Facing people. Complexities. People who different because they are just...different. From me.

As I am different from them. I wonder if they are feeling what I'm feeling right now. The same anxiety of the coming day. I wonder if they feel as if they're going into battles. I wonder if I am the enemy. I wonder if they are thinking that I'm their alliance. Their back up plan maybe. Or the dumping ground they could put their blame on.

So what I'm suppose to think?

What I'm suppose to do to clear this unproductive thoughts?

Pray?

To whom?

God?

Maybe I should, maybe I will. Maybe I just listen for a while to Vitamin String Quartet, finish smoking my smokes. Maybe I'll just watch an episode of Supernatural & silently gushing of how hot Dean & Sam are.

Leave it for tomorrow or in my case four hours from now. Every problems will solve by itself. & tomorrow nite I'll be harvesting on Farmville again.

Yep, writing helps....

Nothing to write.

I don't know what to write right now. I seriously don't. But I believe that to move on or push myself to do something different & out of my current path is to write about it. You know, kinda like expressing myself to the world. Not sure who will be reading this. But it's nice to know if God does.

If God do exist in the first place anyway.

& pretty funny if God do read blogs; imagining him in front of the computer & doing Google. Smiling maybe, to see all his little creations with their own little creation on the net.

This will be short post, I guess. Just to interrupt my current state. A state of lethargic-ness after watching & ogling over & over again Sam, Dean & Castiel of Supernatural. & reading the fan fictions. & feeling sleepy after my dinner.

So now, what different things I should do tonight?

I was standing

I was standing,
Just standing,
Standing at the balcony,
Thinking,
About jumping.

But it wouldn’t be a good affair,
Coz down is a long way,

And in the seconds when I reached the seventh floor,
And in the seconds when I realised seven more,

I would probably wonder,
If being dead is the right answer.

Then I would suddenly regret,
But it would be too late.

And in the morning when my body were found,
My blood soaking the ground.

The empty shell that housed a soul,
Lying lifeless, rigid and cold.

And somebody would ponder,
What could have pushed me over,
Was it because of a lover?
Or wasn’t I loved by my mother?
Beaten up before by my father?
How about my brothers and sister?

Yet none above are true,
I just couldn’t find a reason to continue.

How long had this been?
Feeling of helplessness of livin,
The need to end all,
With one little fall.

Yet, will everything actually ends?
How am I supposed to know without a working brain?

Will I feel at peace with everything?
When I don’t have a heart to feel anything?
Will I still retain my conciousness?
Yet wasn’t my goal complete nothingness?

And worst still,
If I still can feel.

Will I be burnt eternally in hell?
Heck, that doesn’t sound quite well.

I was standing,
Just standing,
Standing at the balcony,
Thinking,
About jumping.

But it wouldn’t be a good affair,
Coz down is a long way.

So I decided to live another day.

Related Post
I walk.
I'm depressed and dissappointed.
Empty minds

What crosses my mind.

Apa yang terlintas di fikiran // What crosses my mind
Apabila kau disisi // When you’re by my side
Sentuhan lembut // Your soft touch
Yang terlarang // Forbidden.

Aku ingin, aku enggan // I yearn, I refused
Melafazkan kata sayang // To say words of love
Aku pasti, soal rahsia // I’m sure, secrets questioned,
Perasaan yang terpendam // Of feelings buried inside

Dimana aku berada // Where I am
Mabuk dalam tawamu // Drunk in your laughter
Yang menyentuh hati // Caressing my heart
Yang inginkan kasih sayang // That pleads for love

Mimpi yang tak sampai // Dreams without destiny
Dekat tak tercapai // Close yet so far
Hati bergolak perlahan // My heart trumps softly
Suara malap dalam kegelapan // Voices gone in darkness

Ombak berderu // Ocean roared
Aku berdiri // And I stand
Melihatmu // Looking at you
Aku ingin bersama mu // I want to be with you

Tapi aku tahu // But I know
Bila tiba salaman mu // When you greet me
Aku menyambut // I accept

Dan berpaling // And will turn away
Menghadap bulan terang // Facing the solemn moon

Dan tersenyum // And I will smile
Mengenang wajah mu // Thinking of your face
Jauh di belakang //Far behind me

Bayu akan menyapa ku pergi // And finally cold wind will call me to leave
Dengan jiwa yang sepi // With a lonely soul
Jantungku berdegup // And a heart still beating

Thump Thump Thump …

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The perfect book
Was you.
I walk.