Why I'm unmarried.

Some friends asked me when I’m getting married & ending my single life. My answers would varied because I’m not that really sure of the reason(s) itself.

But lately I’m beginning to face my own fears, my own questionable beliefs and my own insecurities. And I found out that the answer to that was something quite simple.

I just couldn’t find somebody I actually need or may I say, somebody who have a matching needs. Somebody who could fulfill my needs as I could in turn fulfill his…or hers.

Argh…Too much of Ellen/Portia and Lindsay/Samantha filling up my head, not forgetting the catchy Katy Perry song ‘I kissed a girl’. I’m not hiding in any closet but I think I still liked men better…or not…Geh!

Okay, back to the original topic.

Somebody I need. Somebody I could see myself sitting around with at the age of eighty. Me, wrinkly and maybe lost a few tooth. Walked a little slower. Smiled a bit wider. Lost my memory a bit faster. And that somebody who accepted old age with grace together.

Wishful thinking, maybe.

But I believe if you can’t see yourself growing old with somebody then you’re probably should not take the plunge with that person. You might end up in a pit alone by yourself.

Yeah, some may say that you can easily climbed out and give it another shot. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. Then again, if you just don’t learn, you might end up being the next Elisabeth Taylor with a divorced husband number eight.

And since when this article talked about ‘You’. All I want to talk about is ‘Me’. Yep, selfish me.

The only person I ever thought of growing old with is my own best friend. And no, it’s not the “I kissed a girl” syndrome. It’s more like the ‘Wassup’ beer ads.

That’s my idea of growing old gracefully.

Related Post
Just want to know he's alive
Fighting flu
Down but upbeat

Common sleeping disorders

I can’t sleep. At 5 a.m I’m at my computer and writing this blog to be publish tomorrow…which happen to be today.

I finished some of my other article about 2 a.m and pushed myself to sleep. Yet at 3, I was still wide awake. I took my mobile and played a game for 1 hour. At 4 a.m I’m still wide awake. Reading somewhere that when you can’t sleep, just get up & do something until you feel sleepy, I got up & turn on my computer.

I ended watching a short video, read a couple of e-book and finally decided to write about sleeping disorders based on of the e-book I’ve read.

Written by the U.S National Institute of Health titled ‘Your Guide to Healthy Sleep’; it’s a compact simple book with comprehensive detail about sleeping.

What I‘m going to mention here are five common sleeping disorder, which I will simplify.

1.Insomnia : Defined as having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, or as having un refreshing sleep despite having ample opportunity to sleep. People with insomnia will find themselves having such problems as daytime fatigue, mood swings, irritation and unable to focus.

2.Sleep Apnea : Also known as breathing problem during sleep time. People who have sleep apnea will experience their breathing stopped or becomes shallow due to intermittent blocking of the upper airway. It can last around 10 to 20 seconds and the body will awaken itself with snorts or a choking sounds. The breathing will continue as usual. Those who suffer from sleep apnea may snore loudly and frequently. Though not all people who snores have sleep apnea.

3.RLS (Restless Legs Syndrome) : Defined as unpleasantness and sometime painful prickling sensations in the legs that causes a person inability to fall asleep. This discomfort can be subsided by massaging but it might not work on everybody. Sometime this sensation can also be felt in the arms.

4.Narcolepsy : This is one disorder that I have without even knowing that I had it. Luckily it wasn’t chronic. But finally I got something to explain my ‘weird’ sleep pattern. Main symptom is excessive and overwhelming daytime sleepiness, even after adequate night time sleep. Though the sleeps may be fragmented with frequent awakening. Those with narcolepsy often fall asleep at inappropriate times & places. Like in the middle of a class or church sermons. Aha ha… It can lasts in seconds to half an hour.

Other symptoms, though not all who have narcolepsy have these symptoms, are cataplexy or sudden muscle weakness, sleep paralysis which feels like being glued to the bed and vivid or hypnogogic dreams whereby the reams felt real and sometime are confused with reality. I never experience cataplexy but I had several time feeling paralysis and vivid dreams which amused, annoyed or even scares me sometime.

5.Paramsonia or Abnormal Arousals : This is people walks, talks and do other bodily functions which are usually suppressed during sleeps. Alternatively, the paralysis or vivid images experienced during dreaming will persist after the woke up. Confusional arousals, sleep talking, sleep walking, night terrors, sleep paralysis or acting out dreams happen with people with paramsonia. Children who have paramsonia will usually outgrow them. But a chronic paramsonia can be dangerous and specialist help are needed.

Well, that’s the five disorders and I was already sleepy at number three. But I needed to finish what I’ve written, so here I am an hour later.

I’ll post another article on tips on getting a good night sleep. But that’s another time and right now, I need to sleep.

Other Articles

• Strange dream again-Living with E.T
• Down but upbeat.
• Best advice I heard in years.
• Ten Emotions of Power-Part One
• Empty Minds

Anthony Robbins-Ten Emotions of Power-Part 2

This is just my personal journal on Anthony Robbins amazing book ‘Awaken The Giant Within’. All original works, copyright, kudos goes to him. Please buy his book, visit his website or attend his seminars and get to know this amazing person. Peace!

I’ve mentioned about how most people deal with emotions which are;
1. Avoidance
2. Denial
3. Competition
4. Learning & Using
Read my previous blog entry here.

This is a continuation of my understanding of dealing with emotions by ‘learning & using’. With this, Tony Robbins talked about the ‘Six Steps of Emotional Mastery’; on how to deal with painful emotions and breaks limiting patterns.

Step One
Identify what you’re really feeling.

When I felt negative emotions, the first thing I do is to identify those feelings. Is it anger? Rejection? Disappointment? Or just being uncomfortable. One way for me to deal with the emotions is writing in this personal blog. It helps me to identify my emotions. Maybe it showed as if I’m wallowing in the negative emotions but I felt I needed the time to identify the emotions by writing it out. Different people will have different ways. Some people might need to just sit it out with a cup of coffee. What’s yours? Take a time out; identify what are you actually feeling.

Step Two
Acknowledge, appreciate your emotions, knowing they support you.

I used to hate my emotions. I hated being emotional. I hated the fact that I’m a woman; having these emotions seem to make the typical stereotype true…that women are emotional. So I became less emotional. Years of ‘training’ makes my wall thicker and higher. And I’m ‘happy’ with that accomplishment.

Not until I found out that emotions is the way my body, my inner & outer world, trying to communicate with me. My emotions are my guidance, my lighthouse and my personal consultant.

If I’m feeling good, it shows I’m doing something right. If I’m feeling bad or negative, it means I need to do something, to change something so I could feel good again.

All emotions, bad or good are signals that needed to be acknowledged. Tony says it best “Cultivate the feeling of appreciation for all emotions.’

Step Three
Get curious about what the message is offering you.

I identified my emotions. I acknowledged & appreciated my emotions. Now, I must be curious on the message my emotions are trying to convey to me. If I’m feeling some negative emotions, then what should I do about it?

Tony presented four simple questions, to raise the curiosity on my emotions.
What do really want to feel?
What would I have to believe in order to feel the way I’ve been feeling?
What am I willing to do to create a solution and handle this right now?
What can I learn from this?

Here, I need to be honest with myself and reminds myself on the four ways to deal with my emotions. Not to fall under avoidance, denial and competitions but into the learning and using mode.

Step Four
Get confident.
“The quickest, simplest and most powerful way I know to handle any emotion is to remember a time when you felt a similar emotion and realize that you’ve successful handled this emotion before” – Tony Robbins

Being alive means I’ve felt several similar emotions several times. Well, many times actually. Now, how did I handle those emotions? How did I overcome them? Did what I've done are positive actions? Not indulging in other things & fall under denial? Did I face it straight up & do positive things that made my negative emotions into positive? Did I understood my emotions & what it was trying to tell me?

So are you having a negative emotion right now? Have you felt it before? What did you do to get yourself up? Once you know what you’ve done before its easier for you to handle your emotion now.

Step Five
Get certain you can handle this not only today, but in the future as well.

If I know that I had handle my emotions before, then I know, with certainty that I’m capable of handling these emotions when it hits me again. 100% certainty. Not maybe. Not I think so. Its I know so.

And there might be more one way that I’ve handled my emotions. When I’m depressed, I took a deep breath & use the steps. Maybe I looked up my nephew baby photos and get motivated to not giving up. Or text my best friend and with that comes the feeling of gratitude that I’ve got someone special in my life.

How did you handle your emotions before? You know you can use it again.

Step Six
Get excited and take actions.

Now that I identified my emotions, I acknowledged & appreciated them as my guidance, I got curious and really questioned my emotions, I asked myself have I ever faced these emotions, how I deal with them and I know that I can handle these emotions when it comes again.

What should I do now?

The above steps are the thoughts process, the last steps are when I took actions. That’s when I choose to listen to inspirations and motivational audio or write in this blog or write an article for my other blogs or looked at my family photos or exercise or look for plain water to drinks or fruits to munch.

Anything good that I understood that are positive and what my negative emotions are trying to tell me to do or change.


Sometime I forgot about these steps and wallow in my dark clouds. When I get back to the simple six steps I found that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Winding paths will come to a straighter and surer paths. A problem will always have a solution.

My next post for this topic will talk about Action Signals. Action Signal are negative emotions that we felt and what are the message and what the action we could take to deal with them.

Again, if you need to know more, please get Anthony Robbins book as this journal is just a tiny fraction of the wisdom he presented.

Have an amazing day!

Strange dreams again-Living with E.T

I've a lot of experiences of having lucid dreams that are very detailed and that I could remember well again. I read about this & it usually apply to people who thinks a lot and have a creative mind. Another explanations I heard was a person who are being bogged or bugged by this sort of dreams have things they didn't finish or a procrastinator.

Which all of the above happily; as being creative and sadly; as being a procrastinator, applies to me.

My dreams sometime and in this case too can be made into a movie. It can span a lifetime. And its actually a day to day life story. What makes it more strange it actually a continuation of previous dreams sometime just right afterward and sometime a few months back. Just came back to same location doing other things.


This time my family and I were somehow contacted by aliens and we started to live with them. Except for my younger brother who apparently had to work. Time line is 2010 as my younger brother complained to me that he'll be 30 in the next few months.

As for aliens, they are not aliens per se, they are more like highly upgraded human being. I mean they looked & act like human being but just like human being in the next few hundreds years. Remember Star Trek or any other futuristic anime or TV series.

I did went to their home planet which they lived with other aliens, which doesn't looked like human at all. But they don't scare me. I've felt somehow familiar with them even visited one of the underground pubs that have all the creatures. There I'm involved in a construction work that nearly went awry but it turns out ok.

I remembered a few times me and my older brother would fly off to see my younger brother & my older would be flying around over our housing estate and I scold him a few times. Especially when he turn off the invisibility mode and other people could clearly see our 'flying object'. This scene felt familiar liked I've dreamt it a few time.

My younger brother would usually hang out with his friends and I would talked to him, telling how are our parents keeping in space. I felt a certain longing because he was living alone & I felt he should follow us. That was when he mentioned he will be 30 soon. Its as if he was telling me he is nearing 30 and have not accomplished anything in his life. And he was trying to have a proper stable job.

Another scene my whole family was back and we are boarding the small shuttle to go back to space. There a cute little girl with us & I'm not sure whether she is my daughter or my niece. But we did bring another person which I'm not sure was my younger brother. Our old neighbors were back and we scared them a bit when my brother, the annoying pilot, didn't use the invisibility mode again.

My last scene were trying to assimilate the new person that I've brought. Again I'm not sure he was my brother or one of my brother friends. I brought him to some sort of spa and here where my dream were really detailed. Its because I was explaining it to him. The hot & cold water function. Toothbrush, shaver. There was a pantry & he was looking for rice to eat and I myself didn't know what to do. An attendant came in and mixed a powderlike substance with hot water, shake it and it becomes like porridge or something. And she says something like ' rice with coffee'. (What the heck?) And there was a massage bed that 'he' could not use. I showed him and he was more relaxed and fall asleep. I massage his shoulder as he slept.

I felt for him at this time. Worried but hopeful. That's how I know he was either my brother or one of his friend that I've considered a brother.

My dream end here.

I think my dream are influence by my previous dream, my current state of mind, a little scene from Hellboy at the Troll market and my last night deep experience after watching Donnie Darko. And I'm still having my cold too.

Down but upbeat.

The days of my depressing blog below had passed. I'm grateful for many reason. I'm not out of the rut or the rat race yet but I'm moving on. So any changes made me pretty upbeat.

My blog was corrupted a few days ago and just manage to find the solution today. I'm down with a flu & feeling rather sleepy right now. But something I've been working on has hit the road & moving. So I'm excited of what's coming. There's a few things that comes to me together with the sense of clarifications.

The roads seem less winding now.

I've updated this blog after my HTML was corrupted. So check out some new things on the right. I put up a playlist playing some of my personal acoustic taste. And I found that this blog is better viewed using Firefox.

And I'm feeling a little bit artsy so thus the changes to my blogs. Header pics by Eri Komura. I intend to change the art & outlook of this blog every month, so get ready of constant play of colours.

Thanks to all who somehow manage to find this blog. I'll be updating more & try to make the content more useful yet still personal.

Still me with lotsa love,
Jacque

I am depressed & disappointed.

I know today would pass. I know that this week would pass. I know that this month would pass. But somehow sitting here feeling that I have been pummeled by hundreds of bricks made times seem to stop and the light at the end of the tunnel just happen to be somebody's flashlight that runs out of battery. And my path again succumbed in total darkness.

And I sit here for a while, wallowing, refusing to pick up calls & refusing to make calls. A little sad, a little depressed. Okay, maybe not so little.

I've made some promises to people that I'm pretty sure that I could keep. But ended unable to fulfill those promises. And that sucks, man. Really sucks. Especially when those people happen to be my trusted friends & people who gave me some breaks when I needed them.

And what really sucks is that I couldn't pick up the phone and call them I needed more time coz things didn't worked out. But how long am I going to supply people with those bloody excuses.

I hate it. I hate it.

If I didn't have all these promises that I have to fulfill I'll probably pack my bags & disappear.

Then what? Live my life as a coward or worst, die as a coward.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking. How am I going to get out from this mess?

Anwar Ibrahim; history repeated.

Just when the Malaysian public are being fired up about rising oil prices, Datin Rosmah allegedly involvement in Altantuya murder and somewhere in the world a car was designed to run on water....a young handsome man by the name of Saiful Bahari made a police report that he was sodomized by the former Deputy Prime Minister of Malaysia, Anwar Ibrahim.

When this scandal of all scandal came up, I wanted to put my two cents on it based on what I know of what had happened in 1997. But I paused my fingers on the keyboard as I reflect deeper into my thoughts.

During those time internet was not as handy as it is now. My info back then were based on the mainstream media, contradictory discussion from those who are into politics & the West Malaysian MARA students who were big supporters of Anwar.

So I thought I should go back in time to look into the trial. Found this set of video by Foreign Correspondent that shed a different light into the matter.



I don't like Anwar. I still don't. As far as the stories of his bisexuality goes it had been circulating years before 1997. Whereby it was known that the Tan Sri always request a special service after having his hair cut done.

Then again it was still unproven khabar khabar angin (words in the wind?)

Then again a person private life shouldn't be the thing to judge a leader of a country. Shouldn't it?

Churchill was known to be a crook and Hitler was known to be a clean cut man.

Still I do think, unless somebody can convince me otherwise, that Anwar is a strategist, an opportunist and a selfish politician.

Kinda remind me of an old guy who approved the Petronas Twin Tower.

**************************************

And somewhere in the world a Japanese guy in dark clean suit, sitting on a rather sturdy white wooden chair, waiting patiently for approval on a patent of his car engine that runs on water.

I walk

I walk, I dance,
Help me, lend me a hand.

Hand. Hands.
Surrounding me, Supporting me,
Caressing.Suffocating.Killing.Pushing & Pulling.

Pulling. Pulling me from the depth of darkness.
Emerging from the Mothers womb.
Into the glaring bright lights.

Lights. Unfamiliar.
I closed my eyes & hide my shame.
As ecstasy plough my very being.
I dare not to smile.

Smile. I would have.
If the sun had shine brighter & the moon less melancholy.
And if there are love.

Love. Yes, I'm crazy in love with you.
Don't blame me for my heart condition.
Don't hate me for my mind condition.

Condition. Conditions.
Terms of Conditions.
I hate it.
When life is about the terms we have and conditions are just stupid excuses.

Excuses. I don't need it.
Get off my floor.
Create your own & walk.

Walk. I walk.

I walk, I dance.
Help me, lend me a hand.

Why women lie?

Something someone put up in a forum...

One day, as a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for the two of them.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with a bone thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy. Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh, Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and it's always for the benefit of others..........That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Best advice I heard in years.

This is one of best advice I heard in years done by one of the coolest motivator in Youtube. Momo from the Momozone. Check out his Youtube page & if you are a fellow Youtuber do subscribe to him bcos he is just simply awesome!

The Secret Of The Happy Pill.

Just want to know he's alive.

I knew somebody; a guy. & he became something in my life. I can't say I loved him because I didn't think I did. Can't say he's my friend either because we never actually were friends.

Yes, we enjoyed some moments together. Those moments like blurred movie in my head. Old photos stored somewhere in the hidden recesses of my memory. Somebody not really significant. Yet somebody or something that is like a piece of small thorn inside your flesh that gives that dull sense of pain once in a while.

There are times when I thought why I could not get rid of him from my head. I got rid of him physically by way of cutting off all communication but still linger that wondering whether he is still alive. Because the last time we met it was raining cats & dogs & I had the slightest thought that he might have hurt himself or died. Not that it would bother me if he did but that thought itself, that single piece of unanswered questions; wandered in my flesh like that piece of annoying thorn.

And maybe there was something deeper that I just refused to looked into. Like forgiving myself for hurting him. Like forgiving him for hurting me. And like forgiving myself for letting him get under my skin & making me cry during those little storms that we had.

You know, I saw him yesterday. At first, I couldn't be sure it was him. He was fatter & somewhat uglier. I'm not being sarcastic here but hey...seriously. I pretended not to see him & he pretended not to see me.

And finally found out he's actually still alive.

How do I feel now?

Like that piece of thorn had been taken out. I barely able to recall how he looked like.

Was You.

I want to cry I want to wallow in my sorrow
I’m disappointed I really want to kill myself
I’m suicidal

Will you blame me for feeling this way?

Total defeat in my emotions
Where I feel I could not get up
Where I feel I should sit here
Watching the world go by
Watching & watching till I die

Will you forgive me for feeling this way?

I feel I’m fucked up.
In this moment I called life

Please, don’t tell me to get up
For this moment I just want to rest
Buried my eyes in my pillow
Wishing I just die

That train moving like a speeding bullet
Will be going for the cliff
Cliff called death

And I’m inside
And I don’t want get off
This is my train

I don’t want to get off
I don’t want to get off

Let me join the light
Where I disappear into thin air

Will you remember me?
Will you stop being angry at me?
For forgetting my reason to continue living
Was you.

The Ten Emotions Of Power - Part One ; By Anthony Robbins

From Anthony Robins "Awaken The Giant Within"

What have I learn't & to teach back?

I believe there are four basic ways in which people deal with emotion.
Which of these have you used today?

1. Avoidance

All of us wants to avoid painful emotions. So we try to stay from situations that made us feels those emotions & worse some of us refuse to feel at all. Though using avoidance will protect us short term, it keeps us from truly feelings which in turns doesn't help us to evolve as we should. And in the end, we can't avoid emotions.

A more powerful approach is to find the hidden, positive meaning in those emotions that we once thought as negative.

2. Denial

Denying that we are feeling certain emotions by telling ourselves lies; saying that it doesn't feels that bad but still inside we still questioning our very situations. Trying to pretend that nothing is wrong will only create more pain. By ignoring the message that our emotions tries to convey, it will intensifies until we have no other choice but to take notice.

We must learn to listen to our emotions clearly and use it for our own betterment.

3. Competition

Some people wear emotional badge by declaring their situations are worse than others, their emotions are much more serious than others.Instead of fighting or dealing with their painful emotions, they dwell in it. This is the deadliest trap because dwelling in painful emotions is like digging your own grave & in the end not only a person find its hard to get out, they might not want to get out at all. At that is clearly very destructive.

4. Learning & Using

The above three ways on how we deal with painful emotions must be overwrite by the fourth way which is learning & using. Painful emotions are signals that tells us that we should be doing somthing; a call to action.

If you want to make your life really work,you must make your emotions work for you.

Realize that the emotions you are feeling at this very moment are a gift, a guideline, a support system, a call to action.If you suppress your emotions and try to drive them out of your life, or magnify them & allow them to take over everything, then you're squandering on of life most precious resources.

You are the source of all your emotions;you are the one who creates them & you can feel any way you choose at any moment in time.

A little crush

The first time I saw him, I thought that he was kinda sweet and the gears in my heart starts to click. Click, click, clock, rrrrr....

The attraction is there but yet....

Then I met him again a few times, and as usual I'll unconsciously / consciously try to find or pinpoint bad things about him. Yes, I found a few traits about him that that I didn't like . But I still thinks he's sweet. I don't know why when he' not sweet at all.

Is my heart too empty that it needs to be filled by just anybody? Or just a simple attraction? Could be just anybody or is it just him?

Love is a far far word in a far far world. Having a little crush is just too damn...normal?

My heart that goes dub dub dub for a while, will slowly dub dub to its original positions.

Ah...romance...romance...