Just want to know he's alive.

I knew somebody; a guy. & he became something in my life. I can't say I loved him because I didn't think I did. Can't say he's my friend either because we never actually were friends.

Yes, we enjoyed some moments together. Those moments like blurred movie in my head. Old photos stored somewhere in the hidden recesses of my memory. Somebody not really significant. Yet somebody or something that is like a piece of small thorn inside your flesh that gives that dull sense of pain once in a while.

There are times when I thought why I could not get rid of him from my head. I got rid of him physically by way of cutting off all communication but still linger that wondering whether he is still alive. Because the last time we met it was raining cats & dogs & I had the slightest thought that he might have hurt himself or died. Not that it would bother me if he did but that thought itself, that single piece of unanswered questions; wandered in my flesh like that piece of annoying thorn.

And maybe there was something deeper that I just refused to looked into. Like forgiving myself for hurting him. Like forgiving him for hurting me. And like forgiving myself for letting him get under my skin & making me cry during those little storms that we had.

You know, I saw him yesterday. At first, I couldn't be sure it was him. He was fatter & somewhat uglier. I'm not being sarcastic here but hey...seriously. I pretended not to see him & he pretended not to see me.

And finally found out he's actually still alive.

How do I feel now?

Like that piece of thorn had been taken out. I barely able to recall how he looked like.